Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Aftermath

Tomorrow will mark two weeks since I returned home from Africa. It has been a difficult and busy few weeks, getting back into the routine here at home, starting school, and beginning college applications. My schedule seems to be fuller and busier than it has ever been, and the time I have to myself seems to be disappearing. My trip this summer changed my life, no doubt about it, but I am slightly at a loss as to what I am supposed to do now. I feel as though I hang in limbo between a life-changing experience and ordinary life. I am continuing my daily devotions, I am doing everything I should, but each morning I wake up with a feeling that I cannot describe.

It is neither joy nor sorrow, it is not confidence nor is it self-doubt. It is not fear, but neither is the absence of fear. It is not a chaotic feeling, but neither have I experienced a calm in my heart. It is not apathy, and yet it is not enthusiasm either. I am simply going about my day one thing at a time; it would be overwhelming to look beyond that one thing. Is it the feeling that I have no purpose because I am not spending my days with AIDS orphans in Africa? Perhaps it is... perhaps it is a feeling of inadequacy, perhaps I feel as though I must return to the mission field in order to be useful. If so I need to address this.

I am not only a missionary when I am on a "mission trip." On the last day at debrief I dedicated my life to full-time Christian missions. My life is now, full-time Christian missions is now. Where I am standing is my mission field, I am a missionary.

Lord, Heavenly Father,
You have given me my mission field, I ask that you would grant me the grace and strength and to fulfill this mission and to bring you glory. Bring me joy, Lord, and perseverance as I tackle all the tasks you have set before me. For all those that you have called to be missionaries in your kingdom I ask that you would grant them the same grace and strength to lead the lost to you in their own hometowns. Thank you, Lord. Amen.

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